Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Welcome to the Hotel California

Hello, welcome to the Twilight book club. I'm (insert generic white girl name like Jennifer here), may I take your coat? Yes, have a seat. We all have a deep love for Twilight in common, which is what makes us all get along and have common interests to talk about. What, you're a deeply troubled adolescent who is vulnerable and has a questionable relationship with your parents? That's very similar to Bella... You'll fit right in here. Don't you just LOVE Edward?

Most young women and many young men have had a conversation similar to this, if not quite as tongue in cheek. I have a pseudo relationship with the girl who works at the bookstore based solely on her rabid fanhood for Twilight. In fact, my relationship with the coffee shop worker friends of last summer... started because of this novel. (shout out)

Many folks know my opinion of these novels. I feel that they have a dangerous anti-feminist, idealized, love-worshipping bent to them that I'm not sure is healthy. They seem to set up a whole new generation for failure in any relationship that does not involve a vampire, specifically Edward. I have a bit of Twilight Fatigue or possibly Twilight disillusionment, post Breaking Dawn.

Edward. The name can cause shrieking at decibel levels typically only heard by dogs and dolphins. It can cause a light sweat to break forth on the forehead of many a young woman. Her heart rate will increase, she will begin emitting pheremones enabling stinky, spotty teenage scum to ask her out while her defenses are down. It can forgive all your sins and heal your wounds.

It's kind of sick. Seriously. In fact, I looked up some information on cults, and oddly, the Twilight phenomenon meets a lot of the factors for coercive persuasion that are typically found in cults. Would you like a run down? I thought so! *** SPIOILER ALERT*** There will be things that you will not understand if you have not read past the second book.

1. People are put in physically or emotionally distressing situations

Hello, I'd like to welcome you to adolescence, the stage at which young women are most susceptable to coersion, particularly by a sparkly vampire who seems sensitive even if he is a stalker... I'd add here that the ones who seem the absolute most susceptable are the ones who would rather dream about love and romance than think analytically with common sense. I cannot think about a stranger sneaking into my room and staring at me all night long as romantic. I also cannot consider a person who limits my interaction with people, family, friends, etc. because he wants to keep me "safe" a romantic person. Controlling? Check. Creepy? Check. Romantic? I'm sorry, but no.

2. Their problems are reduced to one simple explanation, which is repeatedly emphasized

Not having a real Edward. Oh, or not having vampirism. Take your pick.

3. They receive unconditional love, acceptance, and attention from a charismatic leader

Well, they do in their own minds. It's Edward, of course. It is frightening the amount of girls who truly don't realize that Robert Pattinson is an unwashed, rude, egotistical British actor, NOT Edward. Oh, and that Edward is not Jesus.

4. They get a new identity based on the group

Again, I will point to the fact that I am now acquainted on a semi-real level with perfect strangers based on the simple fact that I read the series. We are in this secret club.

5. They are subject to entrapment (isolation from friends, relatives, and the mainstream culture) and their access to information is severely controlled

This may be self-imposed, but still... The more rabid fans will sequester themselves for days on end, re-reading the books for the fiftieth time, and then get online and watch Youtube videos of fanmade New Moon trailers. Their access to information is severely controlled because of the groupthink that KEEPS PEOPLE FROM POINTING OUT HOW CREEPY EDWARD IS.

Maybe view this video of Joel McHale on The Soup's take on it.

There you have it.

I read the books, I liked them until the last one, and I always wanted Bella to die. Yup. It would have made it more interesting. Someone should have died. Maybe the creepy baby. Oh well.

Word to the wise: in your dreams, where stalking isn't creepy, you get Edward. In real life, you get Jacob. It's ok. You will live. Jacob is a nice guy.

If you get a real life Edward.... RUN AWAY. HE IS INSANE. Oh, and possibly a pedophile, since he is A HUNDRED AND YOU ARE A TEENAGER. Seriously.

Kool Aid anyone?

4 comments:

  1. OK. I will read your blog, but you have to put up spoiler alerts! I am just starting Eclipse and have no idea what "creepy baby" you're talking about and if you somehow just told me that Bella and Jacob end up together and she's not with Edward as a vamp by the end of Breaking Dawn, I will NEVER read your blog again.

    Lesson to be learned: POST SPOILER ALERTS!

    P.S.- you really are pretty funny. pass the kool aid.

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  2. awww man...

    I had a similar conversation with a classmate about the negative aspects of themes in Twilight. I guess I can see the argument, but I think we can go to the extremes. I love Twilight purely for it's entertainment value, and I actually loved how Bella becomes enpowered and equal with her idea of Edward.

    I hope teenagers recognize fiction for what it is. They'll always scream about somebody, right? Elvis, The Beatles,...Miley Cyrus? At least we're not wearing our Harry Potter glasses and casting nonsense spells.

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  3. I have always set forth this same opinion and I only read the first two books (so far, and I am not really interested in the rest unless someone hands them to me and I have absolutely nothing else remotely interesting to read) and refuse to see the movie/s.
    I can't even articulate why I disliked it so much, you do a pretty good job but it is almost more than that. I don't know, aside from just being poorly written for the most part, I can't put a finger on it.

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  4. Sorry for the spoilers. I have rectified the situation with a spoiler alert!

    Just finish the series. Most people really like the way it all winds up. I myself think that Meyer is too much of a wimp to kill people off or give any real sense of drama and tension to a novel. It was a letdown. Of course, I'm a fan of bittersweet endings, as they tend to make the novel or series more worthwhile. This is why I consider Meyer an amatuer, and I consider Rowling a genius! Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed reading Twilight, I was just disenchanted with it by the end because I think if she knew it would end that way, she may just be a bad writer. I'll add here that she writes with a heavy handed mormon world view that seems to not make as much sense to non-mormons, too. But that's a whole different issue.

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